Well i've decided that my best choice for me to stay sober for a while is to leave NORVA (thats northern VA for you boneheads >.<) and leave the place I've called home for 22 years. This is a big decision for me since i've never lived more than 30 mins from manassas. But since my moving to Leesburg, Manassas doesn't feel quite like home to me anymore. Sure, I have freinds that I love dearly there, but the connection to my hometown has been lost. Maybe I broke the chains of fear of leaving my beloved hometown, and it is just a part of me growing up and wanting to look outside of my little city. I do still love my hometown, and would like to retire there when I get old, but there is too much negativity there for me right now. All I need right now is positivity, and to keep this new energy I have rollin so I can do something with my life.

I want nothing more than to go to school. It's all I've wanted to do for the past four years. I'm tired of wasting my mind that I know is brilliant and can help do good in this world. I've grown tired of waiting for it to come, saying "i'll go next semester" over and over gets pretty old, and I feel like I'm beginning to sound like a broken record. Well I'm smashing this broken record and putting on a damn new one because I'm tired of hearing it. 

Hopefully one of the Sheetz down near Harrisonburg will allow me to transfer because I so need a break from this negative cycle that seems to be constantly churning around here. I will be able to save for school down there, and with 5 schools in the area, I damn well better be able to go to one of them. I know its a party town, but its mostly drinking, which i have no real interest in anyways, and I don't know anyone down there who does drugs, so I think it'll be better for me to buckle down and get my shit straight. I just wanna skate, do my time at work, and be on the grind on trying to start school. That is what is controlling my life now. Not those fuckin chemicals.

Only a few weeks in, and i am already feeling my sobriety is going to be compromised. I feel that i can't work my hectic schedule without the aid of Adderall. Am I going to be forever stuck in this cycle? I don't know how much longer i can keep working day and night. my body is exhausted.

Past midnight, breathing in the dark.
Same strange friend comes to visit
Never intend to open the door.

You take it to places that no one's ever been
You let it, you let it. Your insides caving in.
You pushed and pulled, still wanting some more.

This time I've gone all the way without you.
There's nothing more i can say.

So maybe I took a little too much.
Maybe life didn't want this part of me.
If it helps to know, I never let you go.
Sure, I lost my mind.
But I never really meant to die.

Last heartbeat's fading in the night,
Only expected darkness.
Surprised to wake and follow the light.

The second you let it become a part of you,
You'll never forget it, no matter what you do.
You lost it all, still wanting some more.

This time I've gone all the way without you.
There's nothing more i can say.

So maybe I took a little too much.
Maybe life didn't want this part of me.
If it helps to know, I never let you go.
I'm sorry that I lost my mind

So baby, I took a little too much.
Maybe you sucked the life right out of me.
I should have let you know I never meant to go.
Sure I lost my mind, but I never really meant to die.

Never stay forever.
Never stay forever.
Come on.

Never stay forever.
Never stay forever.
Come on.

So maybe I took a little too much.
Maybe life didn't want this part of me.
If it helps to know, I never let you go.
I'm sorry that I lost my mind

So baby, I took a little too much.
Maybe you sucked the life right out of me.
I should have let you know I never meant to go.
Sure I lost my mind, but I never really meant to die.

Meet the new, sober, Tom.

Last night i dreamt about slamming Heroin at work. Thank you my brillant mind. I'm sure that'll help with the whole process.

I have a feeling that if I keep working at this, things will finally explode off the charts for me. We'll see.

The choice is I can work two jobs at 10.00 + an hour and be able to afford everything i want again, or keep the better of the two so I can still have time to keep the ball rolling on what I'm working on.

choices, choices. (spelling?) ha ha ha wuddup xanga? long time no see.

WHY WHY WHY! Why do you continue to haunt me in my dreams? You are no longer a part of my life at ALL. Why do you choose to torment me?! You're going to drive me crazy! Too many  years have passed since we parted and yet you continue to run rampant in my dreams. I feel as though my book is coming to life. Is it because my book simulates reality?

Routine

Routine

Routine.

Only in routine do i feel comfortable, real, and stable. These stupid ass routines day in and day out that make my life as mundane as watching grass grow. Yet without them I panic and fall apart. I feel like that damn autistic kid, Shepard, in the book By The Light of The Moon by Dean Koontz.